An offer too good to miss

In keeping with my New Year's resolution of counting my blessings and focusing on the positive, let me just say how happy I am, as an ad agency copywriter, that I don't have to write fluff/crap like this direct mail piece that came to us yesterday courtesy of the Danbury Mint. Okay, technically it was addressed to Jeff, but he was working and how could I not open an envelope marked "Attention Golden Retriever Lover"?

And boy am I glad I did. For, you see, we (Jeff) are among a limited group of customers in our area who have been selected to receive a FREE Golden Retriever Snow Globe Ornament, and it's so valuable, that it's offered for just a limited time.

Just look at that sweet puppy in the ornament. I bet he would never pull over his Christmas tree. He's too busy leaving pawprints on our hearts.

And then I looked over at our sweet puppy. He was alternating between humping a couch cushion and chewing on a handmade pillow my mom no doubt worked on for hours. 

Oh, but wait, I'm apparently looking at this all wrong. Gus isn't a monstrous brat with a chewing/attitude problem. No. He's simply a "spirited Golden Retriever."

What's more, it turns out, "Golden Retrievers are people too!"

How did I not realize that all these years? I'll be sure to apologize to Gus for misunderstanding him. Right after I smack him for amputating the legs and one arm of Sydney's new Barbie/Chelsea flower girl doll she got for Christmas. 

Wait! There's still more to tell you about these valuable keepsake ornaments. Each one "comes with a luxurious golden hanging cord for an eye-catching presentation on your tree." And... we'll also get a free box to put them in. But not just any box, an "elegant custom-made Keepsake Box". (Does capitalizing Keepsake Box make it sound more important? I guess their copywriter thinks so.)

And I love how the ornaments are shown hanging nicely in a row at the bottom of the tree. Clearly, the art director has never owned a golden retriever. Those amazingly detailed, finely crafted collector's items would be knocked down by the dog's tail in an instant!

But this is just such a great deal, I'm struggling to find the will-power to say no! Except... too bad we just took down the Christmas tree last week. This mailing was timed so well. 

Perhaps if they'd waited a couple (or 10) months... Maybe by then Gus will be "brimming with Golden Retriever charm". Maybe then I'd consider it.

But probably not. I try really hard to not reward bad marketing.

And now, I think I'll leave this lovely piece of literature on the coffee table. Let's see how long it survives before my spirited golden retriever grabs it and rips it to shreds.